My lovely first Blog. Who's going to read this?

So for a while now I have been suffering from mental health issues. Most recently resulting in a stay in a special hospital they call the Sanctuary. It really was quite nice and I find myself missing it some times.
My current state of mental retardation has a lot to do with the religion I was a part of as a child and teenager.
The Jehovah's Witnesses. You probably know them from knocking on your door and being pushy and generally annoying. I unfortunately was raised as a part of this damaging cult.
The teachings seem so meaningful at the time. They seem plausible and a much better option than living in the horrible and dangerous world. Eternal life in paradise. Now does that not sound appealing? Take into account that you are 6 years old and accept everything you are told as fact. You have no reason to doubt the adults telling you these things. That you will never have to leave school. That you wont have to work and take part in this wicked society.
That God is more important than friends and even family. All you need to do is to believe not ask too many questions and do as you are told. Your reward will be eternal life.

Then comes the crash. When you realise that this does not quite make sense. When you dare to read scriptures not offered in meetings. There are holes and contradictions and unspeakable atrocities all the way through the horrible book. So you can come to a fairly safe conclusion rationally that this was a mistake and that the religion has gotten it all wrong.

However the core beliefs built up over a childhood of indoctrination do not disperse over night.
I have been left wanting to attain perfection in everything I do. Not for god but for something I feel inside me that is akin to a god. My every action, every choice and every single thing I do must have some sort of meaning or be benefiting the greater good. I can only be disappointed with what I do because nothing can compare to what as a child I thought was happening soon. I have to live my own life. Nothing is in place for me and nothing is going to save me.

At 30 this is pretty good. A lot of Witnesses don't go through all this until a lot later in life. And the ones I feel the most compassion for are those still fully mind washed by the organization. I only hope that they feel confident enough to think, and to look at the parts of the teachings they may find difficult to understand.

I have a long long way to go. What I hope is that by shearing some of this I will be able to move on.


I will have happy stories too. I don't think everything is shit.
This will do as a first test post.

See you soon.

Laurie.